Who I am

Who I am is the possibility of freedom, joy and generosity. The act i'm giving up is i'm scared and that is who I am! Today is the first of the year and what a strange day. I feel alone, unloved and unappreciated. What a strange way to start off the new year. I don't remember last years new years day that well. I remember sleeping late and Jason leaving to go to lunch. I remember being sad. GEESH! I recently learned that a great way to get through difficult times is to ask myself, "who am I being in this situation?" And that is where I am now. I really want things to move foward. I have never believed in that possibility more then I do right now. So at a stand still I have the oppurtunity to choice how I am going to "be" in this situation. I'd like to loving and patient. I will be loving and patient. Perhaps that will make all the difference. I have really grown alot this year. Been through alot. Actually I started last year sick. I had whooping cough, a bacterial lung infection, consistant ear infections, staph infection and persistant headaches. I had a PICC line put in my arm for IV antibiotics and a bronchoscopy. I was void my best friend for a couple months and grew closer to other friends. I saw my sister get married, visited the 9/11 site in New York. I saw my mom graduate from rehab and relapse 3 months later. I did 6 months of personal growth work. I stayed 4 nights total in a hotel by myself. (WOW!) We painted the house, got new electronics and went on one of the best vacations ever! I put on a huge fundraiser at work, said goodbye to a dear coworker. I turned 22, endured yet another hurricane. I had my first alcoholic beverage, went to some clubs. I recieved flowers via UPS at work for the first time. ( Thanks Jason!) I got a nice tax return. I spent hours with a great new baby! I made lots of money babysitting and paid for christmas with cash. I gave in and bought a fake tree (never thought that would happen!) I started working out with a trainer. I got my first pet that really belongs to me. ( I love her so much!) I've learned how selfish I can and also how wonderful I am. I have cried and laughed and I made it. I held on and I made it. What a victory for 2005. Now for 2006 my goal is to take stand for the people I love. Stand for their possibilities. I will be generous with my time, my money, with my soul. I will love like I have never loved and I will live....I will really be alive!