Prewriting

First,
Maybe my "act" is different from what I originally thought, or maybe its altering.
Or maybe I just didn't communicate.

Second,
I want to quit more then ever. I don't want to fill out statistics sheets and make promises that i'm not even clear I'll be able to keep :)
So I take on doing my 4 seconds of "excitement" in the mirror and it totally sucked! I practiced my welcome in the mirror twice and that wasn't so bad. I feel like a phony cause i'm not convinced that I want to lead introductions. I do get that i'm responsible for putting myself in the ILP. I could have it be difficult or I could try the program on and just do it.
I keep going back and forth between typing this post and reading my homework.
And i'm really clear that I have this homework and other homework to do and it all occurs to me as confusing and too much and that I dont get it.
Geesh maybe my act is something like, its too confusing and I dont get it :)
Cause that theme is really reoccuring for me.

Third,
I'm clear that Cindy is really great, but man did she put me on the spot. I'm glad she did because it gave me the oppurtunity to work on my welcome. And then it pushed me as far as to stand in front of the mirror and practice my welcome. I know thats repetitive, but it needed to be said again. I'm considering, allowing Cindy to contribute to me, even when it feels uncomfortable to do so. My listening for her is going to be that her contribution and coaching could be the access to miracles for me. Thats really powerful.

Forth,
I feel like i'm writing an FCAT writes paper with my numerical ordering of thoughts. Ha! I'm committed to having produced extraordinary results in the introduction i'm assisting in on thursday evening. I have to have that happen in order to be 100% complete on my homework.

Fifth,
I lied about being complete on my 1st weekend homework. I forgot my calender on my bed. I covered it up by justifying that I had a calender on my phone. But the truth is I never use the calender on my phone. That was a total cop out. And i'm certain I lie about a lot of little things in my life. And I often lie by ommission. And i'm not committed to lying about silly things like calenders. I'm pretty sure lying about little things is part of hiding anything that doesn't go perfectly in my life. I had an eating disorder inside of that hiding, inside of that lie. I allowed myself to be destructive to my body. Being perfect and lying to cover up anything I was hiding has a big cost in my life called my well-being. Wow, impact...

Sixth,
What I got in the landmark forum was that my mom really loves me and I really love her and i'm clear that I will never give up on her. I'll share more about this in another post.

Seventh,
I started this post to complain about the ILP and its turned into something much different then a complaint. All that is in my space now is too look at what needs to be done and set up a plan to do it.
hmm another reoccuring theme in my life: time management :)

I complete this post listening to the song ,"I'm in love with a stripper."
That really cracks me up