Erasing...
Today is erasing day....
In a couple of minutes I will be getting a new phone. It will be an extra expense for me since I won't be splitting the cost with anyone, however its the first step to independance. I have no idea which phone to get. I have wanted the razor for months, but the blackberry will help me fullfill on being purposeful and accomplished. I'm fairly clear that i'm confused about which phone to buy. I'm actually "being confused," about the phone so I can attempt to avoid the entire the process.
I deleted Jason's blog from my favorite places today. Ouch! Even typing those words fill my eyes with tears. I can't read his thoughts without crying every single time. I am choosing to be responsbile for my emotions and not read the blog any longer. I know that someday I can access it again through his website. For now its too painful to read.
"What hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do."
Last night I started dealing with the financial matters. I began that process "being confused," as well. I got myself so worked up that I was physically shaking. The process was not really confusing, but I was avoiding having any responsibilty for this relationship "ending."
Today I will put my pictures away, in a special places. I think I may go get one of those photo boxes and put the pictures in it and my ring too. I also have his season pass to Kennedy Space center in my wallet I need to give to him. We never did get that complete that trip together. Still have half the park to see but perhaps I'll be doing that with someone else now.
SHEW...crying now, again. Its so weird how I can literally feel pain in my heart. Like that stinging, sinking feeling.
I have learned that the only way to wide open spaces is through completing the past. You come to wide open spaces by sitting in empty and meaningless. Similar to the clean slate process.
In a couple of minutes I will be getting a new phone. It will be an extra expense for me since I won't be splitting the cost with anyone, however its the first step to independance. I have no idea which phone to get. I have wanted the razor for months, but the blackberry will help me fullfill on being purposeful and accomplished. I'm fairly clear that i'm confused about which phone to buy. I'm actually "being confused," about the phone so I can attempt to avoid the entire the process.
I deleted Jason's blog from my favorite places today. Ouch! Even typing those words fill my eyes with tears. I can't read his thoughts without crying every single time. I am choosing to be responsbile for my emotions and not read the blog any longer. I know that someday I can access it again through his website. For now its too painful to read.
"What hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do."
Last night I started dealing with the financial matters. I began that process "being confused," as well. I got myself so worked up that I was physically shaking. The process was not really confusing, but I was avoiding having any responsibilty for this relationship "ending."
Today I will put my pictures away, in a special places. I think I may go get one of those photo boxes and put the pictures in it and my ring too. I also have his season pass to Kennedy Space center in my wallet I need to give to him. We never did get that complete that trip together. Still have half the park to see but perhaps I'll be doing that with someone else now.
SHEW...crying now, again. Its so weird how I can literally feel pain in my heart. Like that stinging, sinking feeling.
I have learned that the only way to wide open spaces is through completing the past. You come to wide open spaces by sitting in empty and meaningless. Similar to the clean slate process.
posted by Moxie Mommy @ Thursday, March 23, 2006
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