Surrender

Another busy day inside of my new fresh world.

My phone rang 3 times this morning. One call after the next!
First was Andrea, she wanted to enroll me into going Dancing on Tuesday nights for the purpose of exposing myself to a new community and having Fun. I accepted her invitation, however I do have my reservations. I'm really terrified of getting too close to her. I have already been hurt once and inside of this unknown space I'm unsure if I trust her intentions or what it next. I guess i'm just scared that her choices will hurt me even more. I'm totally not sure what to expect. I get that my "act" is in control inside of those thoughts, so what the heck! I can take on Dancing!!
Next was Jason, he shared that he wanted to wait to share with me till he had some major breakthrough. So i'm assuming we were talking because he did have a breakthough. I was flattered that he only wanted to share the best with me, however I wish he would have called me before just to say Hi or something, like I wish he would fill my expectations. I wish he was in love with me as much as I am love with him. I totally stoked to hear who he is a possibility. I requested he call me after his "talk" at the advanced tonight, he accepted but didn't keep that committed. Its 11:43 and still no phone call. I am making that mean a whole lot of stuff. We talked about creating a young adult group together. I shared with him how I felt the sunday morning of my advanced course. He told me it was really great talking with me now a days.
Next was Jenni, I took on sharing with her my experience Friday night without Justifying or explaining it. She has brought my attention that I do that and that there is no reason for me to justify or defend. I took on sharing with her like she was my really good friend. How freeing!!! We talked about Just Imagine.
I played mommy for a couple of hours this afternoon with Trey. I'm really looking foward to being a mom someday! Being with Trey is so good for my Soul.
Finally, I hung out with Holly and her "Boys," this evening. They cooked steaks on the grill and baked potatos and corn. We sat outside and I asked the boys about a billion questions. Learned more about DUI's and heartbreak and the difference between guys and girls. I really got how being burned in a relationship has a huge impact of people. I felt sad for him. I was worried about what they thought of me, but not too concerned because neither of them were my type really. Nice people and I would hang out again. But no connection. I'm looking for someone to take on the world with, not lounge around with.
Its in this moment, surrounded by a weekend of new and familar expeirences that I feel the pit of sadness inside. Like the aching that will go away but that has my attention for the time being. The voice that says, "Its not suppose to be with way," The heart inside of me that breaks. The emptiness this house holds for me without Jason here. The memories that say come home and stay home. Choose me. The compassion that totally sees how scary it is for him but pleads for him to take it on. I'm not sure I made the "right" choice having a the move out conversation with him. I'm not sure how much of that came from me and how much of it came from people around me. Good intentions and wanting the best for me. But what is it that I want? I really don't want to loose Jason. I want him...whole and complete. I want to take on the world with him. Now its to you, Jason. Great Relationship...Choose. One year or Twenty Years. Inside of loving you, I promise I won't let you down. All you have to do it let go and let me in.
"God is writing my love story," ~ Barlow Girl

Time to sleep
"Surrender, Surrender... You whisper gently. You say I will be free, I know but can't you see, my dreams for me. "