BreakThrough (finally)
The first weekend of the ILP was AWFUL! I fell asleep more often then I can remember. And when I was awake I resisted everything I heard. Until Sunday morning. On saturday night at the end, I went to talk to Cookie about my "evaluation," I got on 2 on appearance and was so on it about that. She told me some ways to improve and then wanted me to get that it was an honor to have me there that weekend. Like that most people my age are not up to transformation. When I came in Sunday morning and participated in the introduction a new world opened up.
I saw that I pretend to be confused to hide that I really do get it and then I dont have to be responsbile for what happens in my life. All of a sudden the racket, "confusion" was showing up all over the place for me! It really rocked my world.
When I got home I decieded to have a completion conversation with Jason. When Kelly Townsend was completing our seminar I wrote down everything she said. At the time I didn't know how I would use it in my life, but I knew I would.
Sunday night Jason and I met to get "complete." The conversation was the best, most powerful thing I could have done in our relationship. I was enrolling myself such that I was moved to tears. And not sad tears, but just really really moved. I remembered what Ruben had told me about missing who we are in a relationship when it ends. And I got that I was generous and adventerous with Jason. And all of sudden, right then in there this new possibility was present.
At the first ILP weekend, Nancy told us that there were no mistakes and to remember that.
In my conversation with Jason, all the stuff I had been working through over the past couple of months pieced together and made this complete puzzle.
Remember when we talked about me being sad about SELP ending and how that correlated with my mom. I realized that same fear was present with things changing with Jason. And I was trying to make it mean so much and find "reasons" to have it make sense. I had never aknowledge that by having that conversation with Ruben and Katie was me being at cause in my own life. It was in fact a breakthrough. I could have easily just let yet another person "leave me," however this time I choose to be at cause for something else. And now Katie and I are really great friends. When I saw that, I saw that I could continue that in all my relationships. I now have the choice to either have people leave me OR create great relationships with people. Then it unfolded even further. I had known all along that my friends Jodi and Katie were very different people in my life. Recoginzing that, I knew that who they are touch, move and inspire me. Even further I saw that who they are in their relationships with Rahul for Katie and JJ for Jodi were what I wanted to be inside of a relationship. AND even further, who Rahul and JJ are is the type of guy I really want. WOA! All of a sudden within like 20 minutes I knew what I really wanted out of a relationship and had access to creating that as a real possibility now. The wall has finally fallen.
Then, I started glowing, like really really smiling. And I couldn't stop.
It was clear that Jason's role in my life took on a new life of its own. I could finally see the end of the tunnel. Like not like he had vanished or left me or I was a victim, but that I could create generosity, fun and adventure in my life. As a real way of being.
That night I went out with Holly to Club Safari and found myself up on the STAGE dancing. Talk about fun and adventure. What an incrediable breakthrough. Victory over the past for sure, in the past I would have stayed home sad and probably crying!
Now, the icing on the cake. How I found this all related to my resistance of the ILP.
My entire way of being, like a victim, right and being confused. Showed up inside the ILP.
And bottom line, I got the ILP could occur to me as fun and adventerous. And by my contribution of who I am, i'm being really generous. Blew my mind!
I saw that I pretend to be confused to hide that I really do get it and then I dont have to be responsbile for what happens in my life. All of a sudden the racket, "confusion" was showing up all over the place for me! It really rocked my world.
When I got home I decieded to have a completion conversation with Jason. When Kelly Townsend was completing our seminar I wrote down everything she said. At the time I didn't know how I would use it in my life, but I knew I would.
Sunday night Jason and I met to get "complete." The conversation was the best, most powerful thing I could have done in our relationship. I was enrolling myself such that I was moved to tears. And not sad tears, but just really really moved. I remembered what Ruben had told me about missing who we are in a relationship when it ends. And I got that I was generous and adventerous with Jason. And all of sudden, right then in there this new possibility was present.
At the first ILP weekend, Nancy told us that there were no mistakes and to remember that.
In my conversation with Jason, all the stuff I had been working through over the past couple of months pieced together and made this complete puzzle.
Remember when we talked about me being sad about SELP ending and how that correlated with my mom. I realized that same fear was present with things changing with Jason. And I was trying to make it mean so much and find "reasons" to have it make sense. I had never aknowledge that by having that conversation with Ruben and Katie was me being at cause in my own life. It was in fact a breakthrough. I could have easily just let yet another person "leave me," however this time I choose to be at cause for something else. And now Katie and I are really great friends. When I saw that, I saw that I could continue that in all my relationships. I now have the choice to either have people leave me OR create great relationships with people. Then it unfolded even further. I had known all along that my friends Jodi and Katie were very different people in my life. Recoginzing that, I knew that who they are touch, move and inspire me. Even further I saw that who they are in their relationships with Rahul for Katie and JJ for Jodi were what I wanted to be inside of a relationship. AND even further, who Rahul and JJ are is the type of guy I really want. WOA! All of a sudden within like 20 minutes I knew what I really wanted out of a relationship and had access to creating that as a real possibility now. The wall has finally fallen.
Then, I started glowing, like really really smiling. And I couldn't stop.
It was clear that Jason's role in my life took on a new life of its own. I could finally see the end of the tunnel. Like not like he had vanished or left me or I was a victim, but that I could create generosity, fun and adventure in my life. As a real way of being.
That night I went out with Holly to Club Safari and found myself up on the STAGE dancing. Talk about fun and adventure. What an incrediable breakthrough. Victory over the past for sure, in the past I would have stayed home sad and probably crying!
Now, the icing on the cake. How I found this all related to my resistance of the ILP.
My entire way of being, like a victim, right and being confused. Showed up inside the ILP.
And bottom line, I got the ILP could occur to me as fun and adventerous. And by my contribution of who I am, i'm being really generous. Blew my mind!
posted by Moxie Mommy @ Wednesday, March 29, 2006
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