So Sick of...

Well, I am sicky again. Coughing , sore, red raw throat. I fall asleep and wake up 20 minutes later coughing. My voice is raspy. UCK! I'm not committed to being sick for more then 2 days. I'm allowing myself humaness, to rest and rebuild. To really take care of myself. And by friday at 3pm I will be healthy!

Today we got our take home exam. Typically, you would think a take home exam would be really super. But not this chicka, I'd rather take a standard exam anyday over this paper I have to write. I am in a conversation that I just don't have time to spend hours and hours that she would like us to spend. Dr. Caldwell said it should take us 9 hours to complete. Rediculus!

I'm planning a trip to the grocery store. Costco tomorrow with my dad, granted that i'm feeling better and then to publix for some filler items. I'm tired of having nothing but cereal and pasta to eat at home. Speaking of home, mine is nasty! Today I did some light cleaning. I swept the downstairs, cleaned up the garbage, changed pick me's litter, cleaned out the nasty food from the fridge and started a load of laundry.

I have been jealous again! Yuck!I'm clear that i've had some breakthroughs though, like giving it up and not being a demand for attention and pity. But i'm sure there are some conversations to be had inside of that world. If not my probable almost certain future would say my jealousy will fester and make crap up and then actually cause my fears into actuality.

Pick me is playing with her toys, she is so awesome!
Time to shower and rest :)

Oppurtunidad (did I spell that right?)

Tomorrow is my first feild experience in the public school system ever.
And here is the deal...
I don't want to work in public school
I love my degree choice, I love everything I learn at school
I have no interest in applying any of my knowledge, skills or gifts at public schools.
So I could complain right? Or... take it on as a wax on, wax off concept. Another oppurtunity to learn, to step into the unknown. Who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll fall in love with something new. I get now in my life that there is oppurtunity in every step I take. And its not necassarily what I do, but who I am being that counts.
Oppurtunidad---> I have no idea if I spelled that correctly, but I learned how to say oppurtunity in spanish today. I'm also working on expressing who I am as a possibility in spanish. Nella wrote down some vocabulary for me during lunch today.
Tomorrow I'm taking on being a clearing for limitless learning. Learning for myself, for the class i'll be observing and even the teacher i'll be observing. Her name is Kate Brozman, 5th grade.
Time to dry my hair :)

All the way through share (in progress)

What is working in my finances is I have a significant amount of money in savings and I have a consistant income.
What is not working in my finances is I pay my bills late and pay no attention is how much money I spend or have at any given time.

I said an area i'm working on that dooesn't work or doesn't work as well as I would like it to is my fiances. I have consistant, reliable income however I am irresponsible with my spending and pay my bills late.

Here is my probable almost certain future:
What I have already been doing is...
I get a bill in the mail and I set it on my desk for a couple of days with intention of paying all my bills at once.
After several days once all the bills come in I put them in my purse with the intention of writing the checks out while i'm at work
A couple days later I take the bills out of my purse and write the checks, then put them back in my purse because they will need stamps.
A few more days pass and I finally get stamps, however by this point the bills are late.
The next month the bills come with late fees or turn off dates.
when I get paid I put my paychecks in my purse and hold on to them for several weeks with the intention of depositing them all at once. However, I put off going to the bank and in the mean time I spend money and don't keep track of how much money I spend.
Last minute, when I have no or very little money in my account I rush to the bank to deposit my checks. I freak out and mail the bills and pretend like I didn't send them late.
What is probable is month after month is I will continue to procrastinate, hord my bills and checks in my purse, run low on money and pay my bills late.

What I already have is a pile of late,unpaid bills month after month and an inconsistant amount of money in my checking account.

Who I have already been being about my finances is anxious, worthless and irresponsible.

As I said before in the area of my finances I have been being: anxious,worthless and irresponsbile. What I saw missing the presence of which would make a difference is being courageous, worthy and free. What that makes available to me is a space in my life that is bright, radiant and fun. A free wide open space to live life in the now rather then later.

The possibility I am inventing for myself and my life is the possibility of being courageous, free and worthy.

a pain

SO!
I'm in this conversation with myself that I put people outand only play my life at 50%. What does that mean? A couple of examples you ask?
1. My job, I owned today that I do my job at 50%, in fact I do most things at 50% and fortunetly my 50% is pretty damn good, however....imagine, if this is me at 50%, what would life look like if I played 100%!!! My thing about work is time management. I'm spread thing and my priorities are slightly fuzzy. I do a fantastic job in my classroom, however alot of things I could do with my class, I don't because I lack Planning and Preparation. I need to do a feild experience for school which requires me to sit in a public school classroom for 15 hours and observe a teacher. It is impossible for me to sit in public school and observe and be at work at the same time. My stop is that me being out of work has an impact on people. Other staff members have to take time out of their lives to cover my shift or work their butts off to cover my class.
2. This weekend I'll be done south twice, and I really don't want to drive down south two days in a row. Although I absolutely would and it would be totally worth the drive. So I made some request but the space that it lies in me is that I'm putting Seth out to change his schedule or drive up here. I totally recognize that my uncomfort is totally with me and doesn't exsist for him. So however it works out is perfect

Life has been interesting. A game of chance and risk...an unfamiliar game. A game of excitement...we were taught in LA that we are not scared, we are excited! Thats cool!
So I am just excited in my life!
LoL
I'm playing for 100%
No more sell out Kelly....

Now I get to design what that will look like....

Being

WOW!!! It's been a long time since I posted....
Another crazy day in front of me, work then school, then home to do more homework. I have 2 major projects that have to be completed tonight, when i'm complete I will write more about my life in the past two weeks. About my trip to LA and my weekend that just passed.
Mainly I wanted to write today to get something out of my space.
Jason didn't come home last night. Well really not on Saturday night either. And i'm all confused about it. I flip back and forth...between being okay and feeling really really empty about it. I remind myself that I have stayed out too. But mainly because my friends live so far away. My sleepovers are to save myself some sleep or make the most of my time. I suppose I have more greiving to do. Perhaps a final stage of the game called "letting Jason go..." and that makes me sad. So I have been trained to just be with. Let my emotions wash over me, thank them for visiting, feel them and move on. Resisting them would be useless.
So I have been stopped in some areas of my new relationship and perhaps its because I still have something to let go of... I will be with that today and maybe that will make all the difference.

Not my house

Holly's occurance of my house (I'd have to agree).

Holly says yo me:

I pull up and there is a white explorer. No, it can't be! I walk over, yep 24 sticker. What is going on? I walk around the front and see Jason talking on the phone. Hmm, what is happening. I walk inside and Andrea is talking on the phone. Where is Kelly? I go upstairs, wait could Seth be here already, maybe I shouldn't go up. The laundry is going so she won't here me coming. I will say her name.

LoL
My house occurs to me different as well. The phone ringing, people coming in and out. Jason with Andrea, Seth on his way. My best friend being truthful. At this point my life is really unrecognizable.

I had a great time at dinner last night
Tonight I pack for LA!!!
Woohoo
Err, time for work. I do get a suprize in chapel today!

Tingles

My experience of life the past 3 days has been a physical experience. I have a case of the tingles. Adorable, that makes me smile. So new love occurs to me as a palpable experience. The butterflies, the chills, the bright smile, sleepless nights, sweet dreams, dreamy, dazy, twisted stomach, beautiful occurance. Like on a rollarcoaster, when you go down the big drop. The climb is nerve racking, you look around or perhaps close your eyes. The tracks click, click, click. Then your at the top of the world. Suddenly! Your racing to the earth, fast, fast, faster. The air rushes agaisnt your face, you scream, hold your breath and let go. The ride levels off, spins, flips, twist. The environment flashes by quickly. Your heart sinks. The ride slows down, then stops. You step off and find your legs beneath you. Reality is back, but the sensation and exhiliration is still occuring. You are eager to see the picture taken at the beginning of the ride. Often you want to ride again, and again and again. I want to keep riding, I want to experience every single part of the ride. I want to recreate the ride. I love this occurance.
I cant wait to go on my trip this weekend. To be with Seth and Simmi all weekend, two of my most favorite people now. I can't get enough of them. Its refreshing, really really peaceful and adventurous and fun. Risky and safe. Comfortable and challenging. The experience of being alive. My environment has a new listening of me. I am a transformed women. The evidence is undeniable.

short

This morning I am tired....

Last night was incredible! Andrea and Jason listened to me practice my homework for ILP. They gave me some constructive cristism and praise. I knew that both Andrea and I were left with new possibility, however I also know my listening skills really stunk! And my delivery was not clear and smooth. Andrea was really generous. I gave me some spunk to get on the same page with her. And I realized that being complete is like being pregnant. you either are or you are not. I am complete with my relationship with Jason and Andrea. I can see my life at work inside of the source document. WOW
Right now i'm eating a way too sweet banana.
I talked to Katie last night. I love talking to Katie. I realized how much I value her opinion and "coaching," I would like to call her again, I left the communication incomplete. I have a very direct question to ask her. :)
Time for work!

24 hours

My access to power, freedom and self-expression is being authentic about my inauthenticities. Man, do I own that for myself after the past 24 hours...
I can't seem to again get there in words, but it sure is powerful and fun and freeing.
Simmi Thank you for not giving up the fight. You do make a difference.
I'll write more later, for now I have to go babysit :)

And thanks....1:40 am

1:40am...I recall not to long ago that 1:40 am didnt exsist in my world except inside of sleeping. I recall life when the clocks tick was slow and drowning. 1:40am and i'm Alive. Physically tired, but so stoked that I had to get on and share before the moment passed me by.
Tomorrow I will share my experience at ILP tonight, it was an amazing space!
Since 3:30pm yesterday (friday) nearly 12 hours ago, well since then I've had 3 amazing conversations with Seth. We talked for like a total of 3.5 hours over those three calls. I'm left feeling like I can everything I want inside of a relationship. That has become really real. And its not like fantasy real or falling too fast real or attached real. Creating this relationship is like stepping into the unknown. And as scary as they can "seem" the oppurtunity is very exhilirating. Authentic at its core. I have no idea how it will look or "turn" out but i'm really having alot of fun with the experience and creating how it will look. Thrilling, heart throbbing, welcome to life fun!
I'm really greatful for the grand scheme of life and most importantly the oppurtunity to be straight with people. Inside of being straight, I can create anything I like.
When I got complete with Jason on Sunday evening, I had no idea that two days later my intentions would begin to be fullfilled. I knew I was smiling, I knew it was possible and I was excited.
Thank you, Jason for participating in getting complete and giving me the oppurtunity to have a GREAT relationship in my life. It was a real gift for you to give me.
By Loosing I really Won!
Now I get that by giving, I will recieve.
I'm up to giving powerfully, giving my life.
Thanks Seth for everything, all the conversations. And the oppurtunity of fun, adventure, authenticity, and stepping into the unknown.
Simmi, thanks for being "girly" with me. It does a make a difference.
And Katie and Jodi, thanks for being role models. Who you are as women is inspiring to me daily. thank you for your contribution in the world called "great relationships," I really got access to what I want by watching you guys.
Andrea, giving up the uncomfort and bitterness has opened up the possibility of contributing to another human beings life. Thank you for letting me practice giving those things up with you. Thank you for allowing me to contribute to you inside of a world that says that is impossible. Your transformation is remarkable.
Mom, you loved me....and I wont ever give up on you.
I'm left tonight in complete gratitude.
"No day but today...."