Mod posh of thought

Today I went with Holly down to Fort Lauderdale, i'm thinking I should live down there I am there so often. I really love my home here in Palm Beach Gardens though. We walked around Las Olas, didn't really get lost but got off track, ended up at the science museum. We didn't feel like paying money to get in so we just played in the gift shop instead. My favorite part was looking at a book of real pictures from Hurricane Katrina. I was really blown away by the pictures, how devastating and did you know there was silly people (for the sake of another description) that stayed outside in fort lauderdale when Katrina hit as a category one. I guess they were really starving for adventure and thrills. After walking aimlessly for a while longer we ended up at cheesecake factory. MMMM....chocolate mouse cheesecake. Finally we took a 90 minute boat cruise down the river to the intercoastal waterway. That was extremly impressive, seeing all the million dollar homes and learning about the people who own them. We saw the house were the taco bell owners live, Wendy Thomas, and alot more. Also got a glimse of a the caribbean princess ship, which really made me want to go another cruise. I'd really like to take Jason, but i'm not completly sure that would be a good move. I think i'd be filled with unmet expectations and unfullfilled intentions.
Speaking of which, I really don't want visitors this evening, but i'm not willingly to give up control and leave or ask them to leave either. Jodi tells me not to beat myself up but I really feel awful about it. I keep thinking, is this how my weekends are going to look. Like "being" a victim. I can create my weekends however I like, but I aknowledge that will mean giving something up. I am creating the possibility of friends...is that a possibility? Like friends that I really connect with, that I can relax and have fun with. Perhaps that will make my life more complete. * Now tears are filling my eyes.
Being on the boat made me slightly sick. My stomach feels icky and my head feels like its floating and spacey.
Every noise is multiplied and I really just want to leave or go to sleep or talk to someone who may understand this "upset"
I'm really not sure how to let it go or move on with my life and i'm continually faced with the question, "when will I be willingly to face this dilema?"
I feel like calling anyone, I would just be bothering them. Like more of Kelly's problems.
I'd rather call someone and have a productive, enjoyable conversation. Hear about their life, anything but watching Nascar.
Maybe i'll go get my laptop if the stores are still open....