Prewriting

First,
Maybe my "act" is different from what I originally thought, or maybe its altering.
Or maybe I just didn't communicate.

Second,
I want to quit more then ever. I don't want to fill out statistics sheets and make promises that i'm not even clear I'll be able to keep :)
So I take on doing my 4 seconds of "excitement" in the mirror and it totally sucked! I practiced my welcome in the mirror twice and that wasn't so bad. I feel like a phony cause i'm not convinced that I want to lead introductions. I do get that i'm responsible for putting myself in the ILP. I could have it be difficult or I could try the program on and just do it.
I keep going back and forth between typing this post and reading my homework.
And i'm really clear that I have this homework and other homework to do and it all occurs to me as confusing and too much and that I dont get it.
Geesh maybe my act is something like, its too confusing and I dont get it :)
Cause that theme is really reoccuring for me.

Third,
I'm clear that Cindy is really great, but man did she put me on the spot. I'm glad she did because it gave me the oppurtunity to work on my welcome. And then it pushed me as far as to stand in front of the mirror and practice my welcome. I know thats repetitive, but it needed to be said again. I'm considering, allowing Cindy to contribute to me, even when it feels uncomfortable to do so. My listening for her is going to be that her contribution and coaching could be the access to miracles for me. Thats really powerful.

Forth,
I feel like i'm writing an FCAT writes paper with my numerical ordering of thoughts. Ha! I'm committed to having produced extraordinary results in the introduction i'm assisting in on thursday evening. I have to have that happen in order to be 100% complete on my homework.

Fifth,
I lied about being complete on my 1st weekend homework. I forgot my calender on my bed. I covered it up by justifying that I had a calender on my phone. But the truth is I never use the calender on my phone. That was a total cop out. And i'm certain I lie about a lot of little things in my life. And I often lie by ommission. And i'm not committed to lying about silly things like calenders. I'm pretty sure lying about little things is part of hiding anything that doesn't go perfectly in my life. I had an eating disorder inside of that hiding, inside of that lie. I allowed myself to be destructive to my body. Being perfect and lying to cover up anything I was hiding has a big cost in my life called my well-being. Wow, impact...

Sixth,
What I got in the landmark forum was that my mom really loves me and I really love her and i'm clear that I will never give up on her. I'll share more about this in another post.

Seventh,
I started this post to complain about the ILP and its turned into something much different then a complaint. All that is in my space now is too look at what needs to be done and set up a plan to do it.
hmm another reoccuring theme in my life: time management :)

I complete this post listening to the song ,"I'm in love with a stripper."
That really cracks me up

4 months in...

Now for 2006 my goal is to take stand for the people I love. Stand for their possibilities. I will be generous with my time, my money, with my soul. I will love like I have never loved and I will live....I will really be alive!

I wrote that January 1st of this year.
How am I doing?
Jason says like a champion.
I think i'm just getting in touch with what I created nearl 4 months ago.
The realization of and implimation of that creation has been rewarding

Refreshed

This morning i'm actually awake!
I can tell the time is changing this weekend because the sun is so bright this morning. It fact the light woke me up at 6:38. I laid in bed till 10 after 7. I was up till 1:15am last night. Talking on the phone. And its just now being straight about that in words that I see that I was speechless because I was being reserved.
Another fantastic conversation with Seth.
I got that in the ILP I had reverted back to "Everyone I love will leave me, so I wont allow myself to get close." My way of being has been difficult, hard headed, and confronted. I think thats all in the same :) I'm not so sure thats the bottom line inauthenticity. However, I am looking at it. Keep looking thats all I can do.
The ladies at work unleased on me today. I think they will be praying hard for me tonight. I told them that I thought God wrote different stories for different people. So I may believe Jesus Christ is the way, when others believe muhammad is the way. Who in the heck am I to say that my way is the only way. Like 6.5 billion people in this HUGE world and my way is the only correct way. I just dont see how the God who loves us so much and created us in his image would condem us to hell. Thats ludacrius! So they are really concened about my personal salvation now. LoL. At least I know they care.
Back to the gym today. I have blown like 5 weeks of my trainer which is alot of stinkin money. Hey, lesson learned. I'm recommitting to the gym. Heredis is back from her vacation so we will be working out again. And back to working with the trainer once a week. Time to get my all over the place life back in order.
Especially now that I am standing in this wide open space. Fairly refreshing.
I got last night talking to Seth that I have been in Fix it mode. Ha! Like Bob the builder. Something more to look at.
I could create all sorts of cute possibilities. Inspired by Katies "Easy breezy beautiful cover girl." I love it!
Talked to Andrea, and actually made a difference.
That was not possible a couple of days ago.
Ah! Life!
"Another time, another place.... theres only us, only tonight, we must let go to know whats right, no other course, no other way, no day but today!"
"My only goal is just to be..."

Speechless

I want to write about the wonderful things going on in my world...but i'm stopped. Like perhaps words just can't do it justice. Interesting...i'm speechless!
This week I have been difficult, been admired and pursued. I've been courageous and had alot of fun.
I feel like i'm watching someone elses life. Like these lovely breakthroughs can't be happening in my life. But they are! Thats exhiliarating!
I'm alive! finally unstuck.
And perhaps in a couple of days I will be able to utter the words of the actual experience

BreakThrough (finally)

The first weekend of the ILP was AWFUL! I fell asleep more often then I can remember. And when I was awake I resisted everything I heard. Until Sunday morning. On saturday night at the end, I went to talk to Cookie about my "evaluation," I got on 2 on appearance and was so on it about that. She told me some ways to improve and then wanted me to get that it was an honor to have me there that weekend. Like that most people my age are not up to transformation. When I came in Sunday morning and participated in the introduction a new world opened up.
I saw that I pretend to be confused to hide that I really do get it and then I dont have to be responsbile for what happens in my life. All of a sudden the racket, "confusion" was showing up all over the place for me! It really rocked my world.
When I got home I decieded to have a completion conversation with Jason. When Kelly Townsend was completing our seminar I wrote down everything she said. At the time I didn't know how I would use it in my life, but I knew I would.
Sunday night Jason and I met to get "complete." The conversation was the best, most powerful thing I could have done in our relationship. I was enrolling myself such that I was moved to tears. And not sad tears, but just really really moved. I remembered what Ruben had told me about missing who we are in a relationship when it ends. And I got that I was generous and adventerous with Jason. And all of sudden, right then in there this new possibility was present.
At the first ILP weekend, Nancy told us that there were no mistakes and to remember that.
In my conversation with Jason, all the stuff I had been working through over the past couple of months pieced together and made this complete puzzle.
Remember when we talked about me being sad about SELP ending and how that correlated with my mom. I realized that same fear was present with things changing with Jason. And I was trying to make it mean so much and find "reasons" to have it make sense. I had never aknowledge that by having that conversation with Ruben and Katie was me being at cause in my own life. It was in fact a breakthrough. I could have easily just let yet another person "leave me," however this time I choose to be at cause for something else. And now Katie and I are really great friends. When I saw that, I saw that I could continue that in all my relationships. I now have the choice to either have people leave me OR create great relationships with people. Then it unfolded even further. I had known all along that my friends Jodi and Katie were very different people in my life. Recoginzing that, I knew that who they are touch, move and inspire me. Even further I saw that who they are in their relationships with Rahul for Katie and JJ for Jodi were what I wanted to be inside of a relationship. AND even further, who Rahul and JJ are is the type of guy I really want. WOA! All of a sudden within like 20 minutes I knew what I really wanted out of a relationship and had access to creating that as a real possibility now. The wall has finally fallen.
Then, I started glowing, like really really smiling. And I couldn't stop.
It was clear that Jason's role in my life took on a new life of its own. I could finally see the end of the tunnel. Like not like he had vanished or left me or I was a victim, but that I could create generosity, fun and adventure in my life. As a real way of being.
That night I went out with Holly to Club Safari and found myself up on the STAGE dancing. Talk about fun and adventure. What an incrediable breakthrough. Victory over the past for sure, in the past I would have stayed home sad and probably crying!
Now, the icing on the cake. How I found this all related to my resistance of the ILP.
My entire way of being, like a victim, right and being confused. Showed up inside the ILP.
And bottom line, I got the ILP could occur to me as fun and adventerous. And by my contribution of who I am, i'm being really generous. Blew my mind!

all over the place for too long

I'm really spacy right now. Surrounded by work to be done and little energy or motivation to do any of it. I did get my car cleaned today and went to the library. I finally picked an author for author study. Once I got the inauthenticity of being confused alot has opened up for me. I worked out financial matters with Jason, began the roommate hunt, purchased a new cell phone, choose an author, started my shares for ILP. I was putting it all off because "I didn't know," "Or I was confused," I actually have access to getting things complete now.
I can't really tell if i'm tired or sad or empty.
Last night Jason and I talked for nearly two hours. Today he is literally gone. Its really easy for me to fall into normalcy. Each time I get the impact is hits hard! Jason will be moving out soon, we won't be getting married and he's giving the best of him to someone else.
I'm committed to having my summer school schedule worked out by Friday afternoon so that I can arrange all my assisting agreements for the next six months for ILP.
It kinda smells like fish in my house right now. Sick....
My thoughts are all over the place.
I could be reading my book, or cleaning my closet, perhaps working on my author study or making the april calender for work. All I want to do is stare off into space.
I'm being tired and empty because i'm resisting my completion conversation with Jason tonight. I'm resisting going out with Holly.
I'm resisting...and under that is tears. I dont know if i'm big enough or brave enough to complete this relationship. Literally taking the past out of the future and putting it back in the past. I'm suppose to be excited about new oppurtunities. Wide open spaces. The void is almost unbearable (story I know)

Tomorrow I am going to get my new TV, hopefully my voucher is still valid. I put it off for so long! Then i'm going to my cousins house to get a new hairstlye. I think thats what i'll do now to spice up my afternoon. Find some pictures of cute hairstyles. Afterwards I have my first assisting agreement at Landmark. I'm assisting in a seminar :) I'm not sure what the experience will be like. So i'm just going to go and dive in! And perhaps this time i'll actually pass on personal presentation. My plan is to wear my black dress pants and pink and white and silver stripped colar shirt from banana republic.

Without you

Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play.
The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you.
Without you, the stars roar the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash.
The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you.
The world revives, colors renew, but I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue.
Without you.
Without you the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe.
The mind churns!
The mind churns!
The heart yearns!
The heart yearns!
The tears dry, without you. Life goes on, but I’m gone.
Cause I die, without you.
Without you.
Without you

Winner

Slightly chilly today! Woohoo!

Yesterday I spent the day with my friend Katie. We had the best time! Had great conversation together. I was sharing my "vivid" share with and she got teary as well, just like Amanda had done in Chicago. I still have to edit my share to be only 2 minutes but I'm touching, moving and inspiring people so I got a good head start.
On the drive home from the cheesecake factory we saw this lady. She may have been a drag queen or maybe just an lady with too much plastic surgery or something. Anyway, Katie was telling me this story about dolphin noises, so I was already laughing and then she says "Kelly, look..." I look over and there is the lady who we just saw pulled up next to us asking directions. The entire time Katie talked to her I belly laughed. Tears in my eyes, pains in my back laughing so hard. And that was it. I couldn't stop laughing then! It was fantastic!!! I know you would have had to be there but it really was great!
Thanks Katie for a really wonderful day and for really being my friend :) You are the best!

ILP was confronting again last night. Man do I have some work to do in the next two weeks. However, I walked away with some valuable information last night. I am winning my games. Regardless of the game, i'm winning it. I'm winning being a victim with Jason, i'm winning at being confused, i'm winning at creating new friendships, i'm winning them all. You name the game in my life and i'm winning it. WOA! Slap in the face, responsibility again! If i'm winning I have to be responsible for the results of those games.
I have two poems to memorize in two weeks. AND I have to be 10 times more excited in my life and do what they call mirror work. 4 seconds a day increasing each day by 4 seconds. I think i'll do my practice with my class. A group of preschoolers, they will love it if i'm excited and rediculus with them! And who knows what that will open up. :)

These boots were made for walking

One foot in front of the other...

At ILP this past weekend, in Chicago they kept saying that the ILP weekends will never leave you. I waited all weekend for this HUGE revelation, to hear the thing that would change my life forever. I actually ended up spaced out, half asleep, laughing or confused. I left thinking I had missed whatever it is that would stick with me forever. Ah Ha! A theme has developed over the past couple of days that says "One foot in front of the other," and then is occured to me that the Landmark Forum leader had told us that we only needed to get 2 things. "One foot in front of the other," and "no mistakes," I suddenly get! I will never forget to keep one foot in front of the other. Even when I feel like life is stopping me, I have the tools to keep moving foward. I don't have to be stopped in life nor do I have to trick myself into falling backwards. In Chicago I got that and it will never leave me.
So...these boots were made for walking and thats just what they'll do....

Perfect...no mistakes...

Erasing...

Today is erasing day....

In a couple of minutes I will be getting a new phone. It will be an extra expense for me since I won't be splitting the cost with anyone, however its the first step to independance. I have no idea which phone to get. I have wanted the razor for months, but the blackberry will help me fullfill on being purposeful and accomplished. I'm fairly clear that i'm confused about which phone to buy. I'm actually "being confused," about the phone so I can attempt to avoid the entire the process.
I deleted Jason's blog from my favorite places today. Ouch! Even typing those words fill my eyes with tears. I can't read his thoughts without crying every single time. I am choosing to be responsbile for my emotions and not read the blog any longer. I know that someday I can access it again through his website. For now its too painful to read.
"What hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away and never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do."
Last night I started dealing with the financial matters. I began that process "being confused," as well. I got myself so worked up that I was physically shaking. The process was not really confusing, but I was avoiding having any responsibilty for this relationship "ending."
Today I will put my pictures away, in a special places. I think I may go get one of those photo boxes and put the pictures in it and my ring too. I also have his season pass to Kennedy Space center in my wallet I need to give to him. We never did get that complete that trip together. Still have half the park to see but perhaps I'll be doing that with someone else now.
SHEW...crying now, again. Its so weird how I can literally feel pain in my heart. Like that stinging, sinking feeling.
I have learned that the only way to wide open spaces is through completing the past. You come to wide open spaces by sitting in empty and meaningless. Similar to the clean slate process.

Looking at life

Its not easy being challenged. Often inside the challenge we really have to look and see who we are in them matter? And sometimes in those moments we find out that we aren't much or that we are so much that we have a hard time taking it all in. I want to complicate my situation in life and is exactly what it is. A sitution. A circle of what happened. The freedom is in choosing what story I will make up. I get to make it however I want, even the the circle of what happened is crummy. I have learned that the being challenged often means running, even when we say we wont. I am watching an important person in my life do that now and i've seen it before. In the face of challenge that person chooces subordinate. They choose ordinary, they choose the more better different version. The life of the status quo. <---thats a great word!
I have learned that even when we know, there is still 70% of pie that we don't know. The blind spots. I keep being brought back to the basics. I am more aware of the work of transformation. Despite the pain, the confusion is all inauthentic. I totally get it and pretending I don't get it is a lie.
I don't want to be patronized...felt sorry for...or told how everything in my life will work out.

I'm looking forward to going to Chicago this weekend...its gonna be cold! And i'm committed to having a breakthrough in the new situation that life has presented to me.

"I think i'll watch My Best Friends Wedding tonight," some really great quotes.
"Do what you came for, tell him you love him, give him a hug and let him go."

In the midst

What a rollar coaster!!!!!
I think the best way to account for my week of blogging laziness is to start at the beginning and go chronological.

Wednesday March 8th
I invited Jason to lunch. After attending the advanced course completion with him I was really syked to talk to him. I really thought that since he had gotten his "act" that we could have real chance at a relationship. I had listened to the way he shared about me and honored me. I was a complete fool. At lunch, on weds afternoon at about 1:20 everything came crashing down. I heard the words I have been anticipating since about August. He choosing someone else. He can't see himself with me, married with kids. He wants to be my friend and have conversations that light him up with me but thats all he wants. UGH, knife to my heart, punch in the gut. My tears flowed, thick heavy tears. Tears of a complete broken heart and complete disgust. I couldn't believe what was happening. Unfortunetly though it did not shock me at all. I kept reminding myself of the big games I am playing in life, but each time the thought came the tears flowed more. Later then evening, when I was at a meeting at work I found out that he emailed my dad and told him. Ah! A new feeling arose creating complete humiliation. The sobbing started then. I laid on Jodi's bed, drank Diet Coke and ate chocolate chip cookies and basically passed out from exhuastion.
Thursday March 9th
I don't really remember much about this day. I know I was really really really angry. It was the first time I ever threw anything. And I actually messed up my painted wall a little bit. I babysat for Jake and Sebastian, which was pleasant. And I talked to Diana on the phone for about an hour and sorted programs for Just Imagine.
Friday March 10th
The Just Imagine excitement begins!!!! The tent was set up early in the morning and we spend the late morning having a dress rehearsal. The afternoon we tied ribbon on the programs. I talked to Katie. I love her! Always prompt and I can always rely on her to listen. Like really really listen. I got my toes done and messed them up with my socks. I totally thought after 25 minutes and the fast dry spray that they would be okay, I was incorrect! Ha! OH well. Friday night Jason and I ate left overs and caught up on 24. The entire experience "seemed" so normal. But we both new that things have changed. Deep down the emptiness was there for me, and i'm pretty sure for him too. It was comfortable and akward. Safe and Sad. Bitter Sweet. I would forget and then remember. I wanted him to change his mind. I wanted him close but I wanted him to go away. The impact had set in. In the silence of the night, I knew that these moments won't last. And in a short time I wouldn't be spending nights like these with him again.
Saturday March 11th
I spent the entire day at school preparing for Just Imagine. The excitement and fun that the program created was contagious. We all had the best time. So many people worked really hard to have Just Imagine be alive! Richard designed the most amazing stage set!!!! I was really in awe of how everything came together! The night was perfect! Even in some imperfections all the intentions and possibilities were fullfilled. The children were amazing! The guests were generous and touched. I was enthused, joyful and basically all over the placed. I let aknowledgemnet in. I soaked up as much energy and freedom that I could. I enjoyed the company of old and new friends and family. I literally had the time of my life. And I really got presenced to the fact that I caused all of it! I could cause miraculous results in my life and the life of others. WOW.
After Just Imagine, I met Katie, Rahul, Ruben & Jodi at 88 keys. After awhile my dad and Holly joined us. We had the greatest time. Laughed and sang and danced. I was in the company of fun, joyous, fantastic human beings. A couple of weeks that all was not possible in my life! And now its as real as the hand in front of my face.
Sunday March 12th
Ah the beautiful let down! The empty space of "What is next?" I cleaned the house. Blah. Went shopping at Target and ran into Diana Callea. It was really great to spend some more time with her! Went to school to put away the 150 chairs and all the tables. UCK that was miserable! Finally it was time for my home introduction for the landmark forum. My emotions had been all over the place however I was really siked to have people come over the house. Katie did a fabulous job leading the introduction. I created the possibility of being a committed energized bunny. And I literally watched small miracles occur. Each person was open and honest. The space was comfortable and safe. Jenni and Richard registered. I'm not sure which one of them is more excited, but I can tell that their family is going to be different. I'm confident that both of them are unstoppable human beings and i'm committed to assisting them in anyway possible. BRAVO! I want an encore of this weekend. For everything it was and everything it wasn't

What?

"If we discover a desire within us that nothing in this world can satisfy, we should be begin to wonder if perhaps we were created for another world"
~ C.S. Lewis

I got the new Barlow Girl CD today and because I bought that CD I got another CD for free and a journal for free. SCORE! Barlow Girl's music is really inspiring and reflective.

I went shopping for some many things today and ended up getting 5 spools of .50 ribbon! Haha. I have to call Cingular back on Thursday to see if they get any pink razor phones in. I'm so excited to have that phone!

Happy Birthday Mom!
We had lunch today and talked about landmark. My aunt said its like a cult...I think she is afraid to face her life. I'm sure thats some sort of racket. I totally get that Landmark is not a cult. Its really been very powerful and wonderful in my life. And a ton of lives will be impacted for the better because of my participation. Mom is committed to doing the forum when she is off house arrest.

I invited more people to Just Imagine! I want people to be blown away by the turn out!

I don't wait around anymore,
I'm really distracted this afternoon.

Porcelain Heart

Broken heart one more time Pick yourself up, why even cry Broken pieces in your hands Wonder how you'll make it whole
[Chorus:]You know, you pray This can't be the way You cry, you say Something's gotta change And mend this porcelain heart of mine, of mine
Someone said "A broken heart Would sting at first then make you stronger" You wonder why this pain remains Were hearts made whole just to break
[Chorus:]You know, you pray This can't be the way You cry, you say Something's gotta change And mend this porcelain heart of mine,
Creator only You take brokenness And create it into beauty once again
[Chorus:]You know, you pray This can't be the way You cry, you say Something's gotta change You know, you pray This can't be the way You cry, you say Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine,And mend this porcelain heart of mine,Creator mend this heart.

**Total space i'm in**

Holes

I'm really excited about this entire week, however I am so tired this evening! Monday sucked the life out of me! This morning at school we had Alexandra and Marissa's birthday party. Both of them cried. Seems to be a rule, if you under like 10 years old and its your birthday you have to cry. I think the entire woola of the experience is alot for a little kid. They don't process the excitement well. We bounced in a bounce hour for awhile and had cupcakes. VERY busy! After school Jenni and I went to Costco, that place is a zoo! I found myself making "decisions," not choices. We bought some yummy food and ordered a cake that i'm really excited about! I feel like there is still so much work to do to be ready for Saturday! I am so ready to take it all on though!!!!!
JJ Painted the blue today. JJ you did a beautiful job! I can't wait till the rest of it is complete! The color is perfect and makes the house that much cozier and warm.
Pick me is back up on the very top of the cabinets. Cats are so amazing, i'm still not sure how she gets up there. I have only seen her get down!
I have got a hole in my sock. Reminds me of the hole in my heart.
Get new socks or the hole will get bigger.
Face the hole in my heart or it will get bigger also.

Surrender

Another busy day inside of my new fresh world.

My phone rang 3 times this morning. One call after the next!
First was Andrea, she wanted to enroll me into going Dancing on Tuesday nights for the purpose of exposing myself to a new community and having Fun. I accepted her invitation, however I do have my reservations. I'm really terrified of getting too close to her. I have already been hurt once and inside of this unknown space I'm unsure if I trust her intentions or what it next. I guess i'm just scared that her choices will hurt me even more. I'm totally not sure what to expect. I get that my "act" is in control inside of those thoughts, so what the heck! I can take on Dancing!!
Next was Jason, he shared that he wanted to wait to share with me till he had some major breakthrough. So i'm assuming we were talking because he did have a breakthough. I was flattered that he only wanted to share the best with me, however I wish he would have called me before just to say Hi or something, like I wish he would fill my expectations. I wish he was in love with me as much as I am love with him. I totally stoked to hear who he is a possibility. I requested he call me after his "talk" at the advanced tonight, he accepted but didn't keep that committed. Its 11:43 and still no phone call. I am making that mean a whole lot of stuff. We talked about creating a young adult group together. I shared with him how I felt the sunday morning of my advanced course. He told me it was really great talking with me now a days.
Next was Jenni, I took on sharing with her my experience Friday night without Justifying or explaining it. She has brought my attention that I do that and that there is no reason for me to justify or defend. I took on sharing with her like she was my really good friend. How freeing!!! We talked about Just Imagine.
I played mommy for a couple of hours this afternoon with Trey. I'm really looking foward to being a mom someday! Being with Trey is so good for my Soul.
Finally, I hung out with Holly and her "Boys," this evening. They cooked steaks on the grill and baked potatos and corn. We sat outside and I asked the boys about a billion questions. Learned more about DUI's and heartbreak and the difference between guys and girls. I really got how being burned in a relationship has a huge impact of people. I felt sad for him. I was worried about what they thought of me, but not too concerned because neither of them were my type really. Nice people and I would hang out again. But no connection. I'm looking for someone to take on the world with, not lounge around with.
Its in this moment, surrounded by a weekend of new and familar expeirences that I feel the pit of sadness inside. Like the aching that will go away but that has my attention for the time being. The voice that says, "Its not suppose to be with way," The heart inside of me that breaks. The emptiness this house holds for me without Jason here. The memories that say come home and stay home. Choose me. The compassion that totally sees how scary it is for him but pleads for him to take it on. I'm not sure I made the "right" choice having a the move out conversation with him. I'm not sure how much of that came from me and how much of it came from people around me. Good intentions and wanting the best for me. But what is it that I want? I really don't want to loose Jason. I want him...whole and complete. I want to take on the world with him. Now its to you, Jason. Great Relationship...Choose. One year or Twenty Years. Inside of loving you, I promise I won't let you down. All you have to do it let go and let me in.
"God is writing my love story," ~ Barlow Girl

Time to sleep
"Surrender, Surrender... You whisper gently. You say I will be free, I know but can't you see, my dreams for me. "

Game called "Going out"

I learned a tremendous amount of stuff this weekend about a way of life I don't usually participate in. After ILP I went to Katie and Rahul's house, I got there at about 12:30, usually on a friday night I would be sleeping by then or close to it. We sat around for awhile talking and eating pasta. Then it was off to the Hard Rock.
I won't share the details in between getting to the Hard Rock and getting back to their house. That information has to be earned :)
We went to sleep at like 5:00 or 5:30 am. I'm not sure which one but I know it was in the 5 am hour. I slept like I had never slept. I don't think I moved at all the entire morning. Yes, can't say night because really I slept through the morning.
We got up and just layed around, watched a movie. Really great experience!
Then it was off to the beach. Had Lunch on the beach and layed around after for a couple of hours. It was really windy, but with the sun shinning down the day could not have been more perfect.
I'd have to say I'm really proud of myself for playing full out last night. I'm thankful for the complete experience. And I was so blessed to experience it with the people I did. Thanks Katie and Rahul for a carefree, fun, relaxed and absolutely crazy weekend.
Just like in the movie "because of Winne Dixie," I recreated the experience over and over in my head so that I won't forget it.

Transformation

I look back this week (and its only thursday) and i'm a transformed girl. I feel slightly braver, a lot more free and really joyful. Actually at times I find myself just smiling or giggling to myself. I'll remember something that is funny or I'll be so overwhelmed with my transformation that it makes me smile.
Yesterday I ran into a friend from Highschool and I chatted with Nicole and her friend in the stairwell. I got present to the fact that my intention was to have friends and here they all come! After school I went to my friend Jenni's house and I talked to Katie for awhile on the phone. I got a voicemail from another person thanking me for the impact I had on them the other night on the group call. I helped one friend go from stopped to unstoppable and I aknowledged another for all the work he has done. Valentina left me a beautiful note on tuesday morning and Holly said, "This is not my friend Kelly," she was awed by who I am being.
I've actually heard that alot this week. "Who are you?" "This is not like you" After the forum I heard people share about that and after the advanced course and all throughout SELP. And i'm sure my transformation was occuring all along. However now I REALLY get it. I see it with clear eyes and I am a transformed Kelly. Like a total out of body experience. I Love it! Victory. I got the secret, I got my life. And I've only just begun.
I have a lot of work to do today. Work, training at 3:30, homework, landmark seminar and probably more homework after that. But like Ruben said, "Life doesn't happen on the couch!"
I fell down my stairs this morning. Bummer!