Difficult Driving

Last night I was enduring my long drive to Landmark. My journey down was interesting and I kept feeling like I was unsafe. I was on the turnpike driving south at 80mph, which was in 65 mph zone. A car behind me was flashing his bright lights in my face, I guess 80 wasnt fast enough. so I remembered what Jason taught me, just move over and let um by. Only problem was it was traffic time and the car next to me didnt want to let me over nor did the car in front of them or in front of them. Is the road picture clear? So I sped up a bit, however I have gotten a ticket on the turnpike before so I didn't want to go any faster then I was already traveling. So after awhile he got around me and slammed on this breaks. I guess to piss me off. But it really just scared me and probably scared the person behind me and was completly dangerious. Needless to say I made it to landmark safe. On the way home I sat between sample road and sw 10th street. It took me 45 mins to go one exit. The drive home was nearly 2 hours. At first I was going to be miss possibility, enjoy my drive, reflect, sing to my songs, make a phone call or two. No one answered their phone, sitting still for 45 mins with my clutch made my left leg numb. And reflecting just brought me to a nasty place. Well perhaps its not the reflections fault. Its my fault for belieiving all the mumbo jumbo that goes on between my ears. I listen to it like its truth. WOW!
I went to bed and back into my car this morning....to work, then to the school board, back to work, to FAU and back home. Too much driving.

What color is blood?

Blood inside your body is red according Madscience network, posted by Lillian Mundt a clinical laboratory science biology lady :) Since 40-45% of your blood is made up by red blood cells, a dominating factor our blood is red. Red blood cells are red because they have a protein called hemoglobin which contains iron. Iron loves to bind to oxygen. Oxygen + Iron equates to red. (didn't explain why) The more oxygen the redder the cell. Our viens appear blue because they do not recieve as much oxygen as our other organs. The vital organs take up most of the oxygen in the blood and as blood travels back to the heart and lungs it has less and less oxygen. Bottom line; Blood is RED!

Long time

WOW...i've been a slacker! I still cant figure out why when I press enter it wont take me to the next line. I am extremly tired. Last night was my cousins wedding and through my eyes it was close to a dream! From the getting ready experience, the limo, the church, the ceremony, pictures and the reception. Man the receotion was fantastic! The entire ceiling was covered with soft white lights and white chafone and chandelers. I caught my 3rd bouquet in a row! That is suppose to mean i'll have alot of luck in my marriage or i'm suppose to be the next one married from the crowd. I hope all that is true! I really can't wait till my wedding day! Karina did my hair tonight, in pig tails...Vincent called them bunny ears! He is so adorable. i'm really wanting to write something profound or inspiring but I find myself so tired, and really feel like everything I have to say is so mundane. Been said before or would take too much brain effort to actually form into sentences and make any sense of! I committ that tomorrow i'll spend some time writing done some great stuff. But for tonight...its time to curl up on the couch and hold me eyes open until i'm finnished babysitting. Then home to bed!

Success

Every team that I would have liked to see in the superbowl got eliminated this year, and its not as if I had a short list. I would have loved to see the giants, patriots, colts, panthers,redskins. Anyone but the steelers, however I am happy for Big Ben. Hes cool and hes my age, so thats awesome that he gets to take his team to the super bowl. The best part about it, is he said he made a promise at the end of last season to Jerome Bettis that he would take him to the superbowl and here they go. Now thats fullfilling on an unreasonable committment. Jenni went to the mall after school today to talk to business' about donating goods for the auction for Just Imagine. 5 places said YES! That is exciting! Instant success and Jenni and I were able to enjoy each others company and play with the kids. I had a great time. Cheesecake Factory, Build a Bear, Johny Rockets, Cobb Theatres (well they are a maybe) and Whole Foods Market. That is really awesome!

Exceptionality

My Saturday was exceptional. I did face an unfillfulled expectation, however when presenting myself with lemons I made lemonade! HA! I got some of the first items to begin my room makeover. I purchased a bright green down comforter, bright colored striped curtins and mini paper mache lamps in bright colors. So far I have my comforter on my bed. I attempted to hang the curtins but I decieded I better have someone more qualified in that area to assist me. I'm really excited about having a bright, cheery and fun bedroom. The very thought of it is changing who I am being even at this moment.
I locked myself out of my house for the first time last night. I left to go shopping in someone elses car and came home to realize that my keys were inside a locked house. My roommates bedroom light was on so I thought no problem! I rang the door bell (several times) and banged on the door. No response. My cat was sitting at the window just looking at me, my dad says she was really laughing at me. There was no way to tell if my roomie was home for real or not becaue he parks both his modes of transportation inside the garage. So after a failed attempt of possibily getting his attention my sister comes back to the house and takes me over to my dads to get my extra key. I arrive home, key in hand about 20 mins later, to discover he was home the entire time. See he REALLY likes his TV loud, (which is a persistant complaint of mine) and due to the high volume he could not hear my attempts to get him to come to the door.
I waited awhile in hopes of Jason coming home before I went to sleep, but I really knew that was not much of a reality. So I graciously went to bed....immediately dismanteling any upset of my unfullfilled expectation. Today is a new day of adventure!

More Dreams

Last night was absoluetly awesome! Jason treated me to dinner and movie. At dinner we had great conversation in such a way that both of us were left touched, moved, and inspired in some way. Jason, thanks for letting me get it all and really listening from my island. Also thank you for pushing me to the next level in Just Imagine. I woke up today alive and energized. I made a list of things to do today and i'm going to be unreasonable and actually follow my list. Ya know it just dawned me that I have not been sick since October, when I had an ear infection. After about 13 months of continous illness its really refreshing to be healthy! My teeth fell out in my dreams again last night. I was on an airplane (thankfully not a crashing one) however the plane was running last and I had baby Trey with me. When I got off the plane I was at a school and had committed to picking up a friend's child. When I was walking to get her my teeth really felt loose. I got to a sink and cupped my hands and about 6-8 of my teeth fell out. In my hand my teeth looked small and frail. I started talking to people telling them I needed a dentist. And also I was at a place similar to seaworld. Really Bazarre! The dream dictionary said that I may have uttered false words and they will be coming back to haunt me. OOPS! Last night I filled out my application for feild placement for school. That means in a couple of weeks i'll be standing in a "real" classroom learning the ropes. Thats really exciting with a twinge of fear entangeled. Well i'm off to fullfill my days committments

Vibes

Pick me, my cat is in a sassy mood today. She gives me the impression she wants to be left alone. Why is it that we can pick up on the leave me alone vibe so easily but its much more difficult to pick up on the I really need you to love me vibe. Perhaps the leave me alone and I really need love vibe are one in the same. I know most of the time when I put off the leave me alone vibe I really want someone to love me, i'm just scared to risk being vulnerable. Really, sometimes its easy to be difficult and nasty then it is to be vulnerable. I'm so happy it is Friday, girl scouts for an hour this evening and then its free sailing for 2 whole days. Dinner and a movie with Jason this evening, laundry/cleanup/homework tomorrow and visit Jodi on sunday. Man the events of my life have really changed course. And its nothing like I thought it would be. I'm still unsatisfied and still jealous of what everyone else has, well not everyone, just jealous of the people who have what I think I want or need.

Does it matter anyway?

Today is another day off from work! Woohoo! I have alot to do today. I'm not encourage, inspired or motivated to do any of the tasks but i'll do it anyway. I can't shake this awful feeling of lonliness, like all the work I do just doesn't matter. I could do everything perfectly and it just wouldnt matter. I remember the evening when I distinguished that my feelings are merly guides and not alot all who I am. My feelings are not truth! I remember sitting in the bathtub and having that realization. I believe one single tear fell from my eye. It really gave me some space and freedom. Now its like practice. Reminding myself that my feelings are not true.

Save a horse, Ride a cowboy

At my seminar the other night Kelly, our leader discussed the concept of the used car. She said that if given the chance, as human beings we choose the used car because we don't believe we can have the brand new car. I'm suddenly realized that is what is occuring. Not that i'm saying in anyway that Jason is a "used" car but if I really look at what I want for my light right now i'm settling for the used car. Let me explain. I want a relationship. A boyfriend, someone who will romance me, someone to share my life with. I want to fall in love and get married. I want to do all those things with Jason. The thing he only wants to be my friend right now. He says that we don't knowwhat the future holds but for right now he only wants me as a friend. And Jason lives his life. Talking to other people, doing the things he really wants to do. I'm settling for the possibility of it happening in the future with Jason, when what I really want is that relationship now. And i'm too scared to do anything about it because I don't feel like I can really get the brand new car, the relationship of my dreams, if I can't have it with Jason. The truth is I really love Jason, the very thought of him lights me up inside. However he feels pressure and unable to be in a relationship. The coaching I have got is give up the marriage thing, just give it up and then see what is possible. when I do that I just feel upset. And I have learned that being upset lies within me, not what happened over there!
Jason I'm sorry I am struggling so much, I want their to be peace, fun, adventure and laughter back in our relationship. I'm sorry you feel unloved.
We'll keep walking one step at a time.
I can't believe New England Lost!!!!
Lets go COLTS!!!

Jenni Paine took over Just Imagine and man is she doing a fantastic job already! I'm excited for the meeting on wednesday. Her work and diligence and excitement has been admirable and i'm really proud that she has taken over for me! I have to get the CD's burned before we go to school on tuesday. The first practices begin that day.
On monday I will bring the documents over to Wachovia so we can close on our refinance on time. Cindi said she will fax everything to Jacksonville for us so thats really great! Its a "big" committment to purchase and own a home. Thank goodness nothing has gone seriously wrong in our house. We were without AC for a couple of days but its been running great since my dad fixed it. I bought this house with Jason, most likely under the pretense that we would be together someday. This is a hard reality to give up. Its like the smack in the face, rips the air from your lungs and then you spend moments that feel like eternity paralized in how to get up, inhale more air and let the sting fade. I dont think I have even reached that reality yet, however I feel immoblized, find myself in the place that says...."Something is wrong here, I dont belong and i'm on my own." I really love Jason. I appreciate his friendship and contribution to not only my world but to the world of so many people. He's a keeper!

Authentic Self

On Dr. Phil, the person on is saying that his entire life his "white" mother and "white" family told him he had a skin disease and that is why he is black. I missed out how he became apart of this family, but i'm assuming he was adopted. I'm sure his parents were trying to protect him. He was growing up in time of persecution and a time when "blacks" were not accepted. One day kids started teasing him for his skin color and he realized that he didnt have a skin disease. He expressed that he felt like his entire identity was gone. That must really feel awful. Who knows, maybe it was freeing. Dr.Phil says he needs to find is authentic self. Who you are and what you stand for. Once you know that anything that does not mesh well with that then you disregard. I am finding my authentic self and thats a really great thing!

Injury

Sounds like I have what they call, "Tennis Calf." Thats when a partial tear occurs between a portion of the calf muscle and the tendon that connects that muscle to your knee. I have been partially immobile since Friday night. I will admit the pain has improved but i'm still limping and feeling significant discomfort in my knee at all times. I don't currently have insurance and there is a 6 month preexsisting condition clause on insurance offered at school. So I have done some research and i'll follow the advise. Basically rest, avoid weight bearing. If it doesnt start to improv in the next couple of days, I will talk to my dad about getting on his insurance so I can see a doctor. My biggest concern is it involved the knee I had surgery on a couple of years ago. So i'll take it easy and see how it goes. 4 complete days now and discomfort. Bummer. Great oppurtunity however to distinguish how I am going to "be" in the situation. For now I choose to be optimistic and smart. Smart in the context that I will follow the advise that has been given to me in regards to how to recover quicker :) From what I read takes about 3 weeks before you can fully engage in an exercise program. Which is a bummer, but I plan on attending the gym to work my upper body and abs

Back in the Swing of Things

I just went back to work after 17 days off! I would have to say, this morning after the alarm went off a 7:10am, I wasn't jumping out of bed to rush off to work. When I got to work, I fell right back into the routine of it all. I got to planning and cutting and organzing. The kids trickled in and we had a great day. I have 15 in my class now! thats alot of 3 year olds, but I have taken on being a stand for each one of my students joy and fun and fullfillment while at school. By taking that stand my day was somewhat different :) I was more patient then ever and loving and listen to them tell their stories. After work I went to the gym with Heredis. I wanted to use my gimp leg as an excuse not to go, but my leg is feeling better today. I can at least put my heal down, however i'm still limping. Well I went to the gym and did some good stretching and AB work. 2 nights ago I had another plane crash dream. Only this time I wasnt a bystander. I almost boarding a couple of different planes and just could not get myself to get on board. I never got on the plane and good luck because it crashed. GEESH, whats up with these dreams!

Today

IT'S COLD! Pickme, my cat, woke me up at 9am this morning. Which is completly fine. But I was so cozy under my 3 blankets! My eyes were almost sealed shut. Today I have to make my calander for my room somehow. Calender in the sense that it will be like a large organzied area in my room. I was thinking half cork/half white board calendar. I already have the white board calendar, so I need to get cork and somehow put it all together. Pondering....I feel so safe in that large room of 28 people at SELP. Like I could say anything, be anything, feel anything and it would all be okay. I'd like that in all places. Whether i'm standing in hong kong admist 2.8 million people or sitting here in the this chair all by my lonesome. After my calendar I want to make a blog for Just Imagine.So that all the people involved have a central location to get informatiom, resport success, ask questions etc. Why not take on the internet world, one blog at a time? Tomorrow is back to work, I need to do some planning for this week. I will do that today as well.

Akward

Today is the perfect day to have an electronic organizer. I have a mess of things to accomplish and not sure where to start. I want to make sure I accomplish them all. and I realize that priorities and being my word will be important today. Having integrity with the things I said I was going to do. The past two nights have been about transformation for me. Last night I went to dinner with a friend and to see a movie. The movie, "the family stone," was akward. A mix of family drama and comedy. I absolutely loved it! The mesh was strange, the characters were easily definted but took awhile to relate to. Nothing about the movie stood out. Who knows what the reviews are but I loved the movie. It was pretictible, I like that. I came home two great converastions, one with Jason, one with andrea. Then I layed in my bed and continued reading, "A million little pieces." It totally got me hooked, albiet, I learned some ending stuff from watching Oprah, I am still completly wrapped up in his inner dialouge each time I flip the page. I'm assuming I slept well and i'm greatful Jason came in to a take a shower because now i'm awake and ready to get on with my day.

Enrollment

Last night at SELP I was paired up with another girl, her name is ingrid. Our mission: to practice enrollment. By the time both of us had our 7 min enrollment conversation with each other, the other one was enrolled. The experience was really awesome. What was really the best is we were both teachers and both our projects involved influencing the lives of our students. And to make it more impactful just by the way we were being something lite up when we touched on the possibilities that exsist if our project inpacts these young children. I created the possibility of fun and fullfillment. Ingrid created the possibility of children living in the realm of possibility. WOW! I was really impacted when Ingrid got up to share with the entire group. When a person is truely authentic it opens up soo much space. Ingrid talked about how she pretends to be a stand for each one of her students, but the truth is she is a stand for all her students except for the one or two difficult ones. She said she knows that she quits on them and that they suffer for that. So by her sharing I saw something for myself. (enrollment) And one single tear fell from my eye. I pretend to take a stand for each one of my students, except when i'm struggling or having a bad day. I get in my own way of being a blessing to their lives 100% of the time. So I made a committment that each morning prior to entering my classroom that I would put myself aside and be committed to them 100%. I'm really excited to see what new things open up in my classroom!

Crashing

I was just researching the meaning of dreams. I have a reaccuring dream of a plane taking off and then crashing. I am always on a highway not too far away in the distance. I'm usually the only one who witnesses the crash within the group of people I am with. The people I am with are usually different and the highway varies. Last night I was approaching a bridge. Like the ones over the intercoastal that go up and down. The bridge was going up and we got stuck on it going up. Luckily the break on the car was strong enough to keep the car in place. Suddenly I look over and see the plane crash. It was horrifying, as it was really happening. Apparently the plane crashed close to a hospital because the next thing I remember is running through the halls of a hospital screaming for help. "Help, Help! There has been a plane crash, we need doctors, nurses and strong people to help get people out of the water!" WOW just writing about it brings me back to that place of terror in my dream. Next I was on a bus full of classmates. 2 large buses and a minivan. Diana was driving the minivan. We get to an a large building with a stage and I realize its my graduation. Only because of the plane crash we can't recieve our diplomas until later. I remember thinking, "Not again!" Then a man comes on the stage and announces that the queen is stepping down because she did not protect us from the plane crash and that 2 princes would be taking over. One prince on each side of the auditorium was visible.I remember promising Diana I would call her to talk about the plane crash. My mom came in and out of the dream however I dont recall her significance. I woke up and did some research. Who knows if it really means anything at all, but I have plane crashing dreams ALOT! Dream dictionaries say that I fear not being able to accomplish my high goals and I fear that everything will come apart. (HMMM) Also says I may be experiencing a lack of self-confidence, a self defeating attitude and a self doubt that I will be able to attain my goals. (HMM) Also that I dont believe in my own ability and I have a loss of power in some area of something I have taken on. WOW, Last night before bed I was really struggling with taking on this new possibility of moving foward. Afriad I didn't have it in me to touch,move and inspire him. I beat myself up about everything. Partially hormone induced the other part was my act kicking my butt! I feel much better today. Hopefully no more planes will be crashing around me anytime soon

Who I am

Who I am is the possibility of freedom, joy and generosity. The act i'm giving up is i'm scared and that is who I am! Today is the first of the year and what a strange day. I feel alone, unloved and unappreciated. What a strange way to start off the new year. I don't remember last years new years day that well. I remember sleeping late and Jason leaving to go to lunch. I remember being sad. GEESH! I recently learned that a great way to get through difficult times is to ask myself, "who am I being in this situation?" And that is where I am now. I really want things to move foward. I have never believed in that possibility more then I do right now. So at a stand still I have the oppurtunity to choice how I am going to "be" in this situation. I'd like to loving and patient. I will be loving and patient. Perhaps that will make all the difference. I have really grown alot this year. Been through alot. Actually I started last year sick. I had whooping cough, a bacterial lung infection, consistant ear infections, staph infection and persistant headaches. I had a PICC line put in my arm for IV antibiotics and a bronchoscopy. I was void my best friend for a couple months and grew closer to other friends. I saw my sister get married, visited the 9/11 site in New York. I saw my mom graduate from rehab and relapse 3 months later. I did 6 months of personal growth work. I stayed 4 nights total in a hotel by myself. (WOW!) We painted the house, got new electronics and went on one of the best vacations ever! I put on a huge fundraiser at work, said goodbye to a dear coworker. I turned 22, endured yet another hurricane. I had my first alcoholic beverage, went to some clubs. I recieved flowers via UPS at work for the first time. ( Thanks Jason!) I got a nice tax return. I spent hours with a great new baby! I made lots of money babysitting and paid for christmas with cash. I gave in and bought a fake tree (never thought that would happen!) I started working out with a trainer. I got my first pet that really belongs to me. ( I love her so much!) I've learned how selfish I can and also how wonderful I am. I have cried and laughed and I made it. I held on and I made it. What a victory for 2005. Now for 2006 my goal is to take stand for the people I love. Stand for their possibilities. I will be generous with my time, my money, with my soul. I will love like I have never loved and I will live....I will really be alive!